Funny Father’s Quotes:

If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly.

- Cathy Ladman

My father makes money the American way. He trips over stuff and sues people.
- Dominic Dierkes

My dad asked me, “Son, have I been a good father?”
I said, “Dad, you’re the best. Why do you ask?”
He said, “I wanted to make sure the way you turned out is your fault.”
- Stu Trivax

I know that if my mom fell and screamed for help, my dad would jump right up to rescue her as soon as it was halftime.
- Bruce Cameron

My wife just let me know I’m about to become a father for the first time. The bad news is that we already have two kids.
- Brian Kiley

I phoned my dad to tell him I stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
- Steven Pearl

You gotta love dads. At my wedding, when I tripped on my wedding dress and fell flat on my face, Dad said, “Don’t worry, you’ll do better next time.”
- Melanie White

My father didn’t ask me to leave home. He took me down to the highway and pointed.
Henny Youngman

I am an expert on electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
- W. C. Fields

The worst thing that can happen to a man is his wife comes home and he has lost the child. “How did everything go?” “Great, we’re playing hide and seek and he’s winning.”
- Sinbad

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad's advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
- Tony ‏@Tmoney68

My father hugged me only once, on my 21st birthday. It was very awkward. I now know what it was that made me feel uncomfortable: the nudity.
- Ray Romano

I love my dad, because even though he has Alzheimer’s, he remembers the important things. He can’t remember my name, but last week he told me exactly how much money I owe him.
- Thyra Lees-Smith

My father would give us previews of coming attractions. “Do I have to get the belt?”
“Oh no, Dad, we’d prefer that shovel with the nails in it.”
- Jack Gallagher

My dad is not real bright, but I love the guy. We go to this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere. My dad looks around and says, “This guy is really good.”
- Fred Wolf

All fathers are intimidating because they’re fathers. Once a man has children, his attitude is, “To hell with the world. I can make my own people. I’ll eat whatever I want. I’ll wear whatever I want. And I’ll create whoever I want.”
Jerry Seinfeld

My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
- Spike Milligan

A Father is one whose daughter marries a man who is vastly her inferior, but then gives birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.
- Anonymous

One day my boys will wise up and realize they get to stay up playing video games only as long as I'm winning.
- Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
- Anonymous